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| This just in from Texas.... A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of cowboys and had the shit kicked out of him. |
| Welfare A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it." |
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| The Last Anniversary Loving husband, Ed, was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really mad at him and she told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from zero to 200 in six seconds. And it better be there!" The next morning, Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a small box gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday. |
| Horses Ass A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as former Bill Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled: "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too!" the man said. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!" "Nope," the bartender replied, "Horse country!" |
| Smart Kids Hillary Clinton went to a primary school to talk to the children about the world. After her talk, she offered a question-and-answer time. One little boy put up his hand, and the Senator asked him his name. "Bobby." "And what is your question, Bobby?" "I have three questions. First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan; second -- why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office; and third -- whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?" Just then, the bell rang for recess. Senator Clinton informed the kiddies that they would continue after recess. When they resumed, Hillary asked, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?" A different little boy put his hand up; Hillary pointed him out and asked him his name. "Steve" "And what is your question, Steve?" "I have five questions. First, whatever happened to your medical health care plan; second, why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office; third, whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House; fourth, why did the bell go off 20 minutes early; and fifth, what happened to Bobby?" |
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| Redneck Sensitivity Three Redneck were working on a cell phone tower , Steve, Ed & Bruce. Steve falls off and is instantly killed. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says "Someone should go tell his wife". Ed say, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it". Two hours later he comes back carrying a case of budweiser. Steves wife gave it to me Ed replies. That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer. Well, not exactly, Ed says, when she answered the door I said, "You must be Steve's widow. She said "No, I'm not a widow". I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are". REDNECKS ARE GOOD AT SENSITIVE STUFF!!!! |
| Airplane Ride A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK". She said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." "Do you still feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?" |
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